Where to begin?
How about when I knew I was different?
I was in kindergarten. I went to a Catholic school at the time. They asked us to stand in line of either a boy or girls. This is the first time I knew there was a difference. I stood in the girls line. All the other kids laughed but the nun did not think it was funny. Neither did I. After being disciplined, you know the Catholic way, I knew I had to keep my feeling secret. And I did. I was ultra-boy from that point on. Baseball, boy scouts, cars and toy guns. Up until this point I played with my sister. She was upset I could play with her.
I kept myself real busy so I would not have to feel out of place. When I was 10 my father began to be woman. So I thought I was normal. After an argument between my father and mother had started to get violent, my dad stopped being a woman. I was even more confused.
When I was in the 6th grade my family moved to Texas. I was ok until I got to middle school and puberty hit. At a school assembly they divided the school to talk about our bodies. My girlfriends were starting to develop and I was jealous. The girls went to the auditorium and the boys to the gym. I followed the boys this time, I wish I hadn’t. They talked about the part of my body I hate. They showed how to check it and care for it. I did not want to. Some of the boys a hung out with started talking about how they liked certain girls. I did not understand. I learned I like boys, but in that time it was forbidden by my peers.
Then came high school. I changed schools often because my parents could not stay in one place so I did not have to worry about other knowing my secret. At one of the schools every boy student had to be part of the football team. After practice we went to the locker rooms to clean up. All the guys did not care about there parts but I did not want them to see mine. So I just went home. We moved back to the school I was going to before the move and made some friends. Not the popular kids but the outcastes. A few of them were gay and they described what they do when they are together. I liked boys but did not want what they were talking about. And then it happened.
My father at the start of my senior year told the family the he was a transsexual. What was that I thought? When he explained that he was going to be a woman. What??? He explained what he was feeling and had to answer to those feelings. I had 1 question. Is it heredity? This haunted me to the brisk on insanity. I looked in all the publication I could find. The feelings my father described were the same as I was feeling. I found nothing. I thought I could tell her but chose not to. I had already be caught wearing my mother’s underwear, but that was all my parents know. I had called off school sick to wear her things. I believed that because my mother was taking the news hard it would not be wise.
The night of graduation from high school I moved with my family to Ohio so my mother could get away from my father. It did not work. A few months later my father, who now was full time woman, move to the same area. I moved in with her. I started to crossdress more and she allowed it. I even went out in public. I hated having to wear boy’s attire. I stopped crossdressing when my father’s boyfriend called me out. No one could know about me.
After moving back to Texas a few years later my uncle offered me a job in California. I knew that California was a more liberal state then Texas and thought I could be the real me someday. Then I made my biggest mistake. I married the first woman I met. I had to appear normal. I knew I did not want to marry anyone but my best friend, who I loved but he did not know it, “encouraged” me to go to the church. It was done. I was stuck. 7 years later we had a child. Before she told me, I was planning to leave her once my step son was out of high school. When she told me my plan changed. I was going to be the best dad my son could have. Once he was born the feeling were too strong. I was fighting the feeling so hard that 4 years later my wife left with my son. She filed for a divorce. In the time that I was alone I could not stop the feeling anymore.
In October of 2011 I started my transition. I went to therapy dressed as a woman. He instantly diagnose me with Gender Dysphoria. He tried to get me to just me gay. That was not good. I told my father first. She was doubtful but told me I need a therapist that specialized in Gender issue. I found one close to where I lived and set an appointment. I told the new therapist what I was feeling and what my father concerns were. The therapist confirmed that I was transgender and she referred me to a doctor to start hormones. I told my exwife over the phone and she tried to change my mind. It did not work. I told the rest of the family in February. My therapist and I started to plan the transition. I went full in. I went full time at work at the end of following April.
That is when the misery started. Work appeared to be ok with it and followed to procedures given to them about my transition. The owner of the apartment complex did not like it and evicted me. I was homeless for 4 days. I relative I was working with offered me a room until I found another place. I found a place through my new therapist but could not move in until May. After living there for 4 months my roommate sold the house. My therapist arrange for me to stay with one of her clients. She did not know he was losing the house in a foreclosure. In January 2012 I moved in with my mother. I had befriended another MtF trans and we became close. I moved in with her.
In June of last year I switched to another insurance company that would cover my surgery. I had already gotten my 1st letter for surgery from my therapist. When I switched my therapist asked me to refill my old prescription and give to another girl who could not get them on her own. I refused as I knew it was illegal. My therapist told me to remember this when I need help. She dropped me as a patient and convinced my roommate to kick me out. It was back to Moms.
In the mean time I was having issue at work. Management changed in July 2013 and they went after me using my disability of ADHD as grounds to release me. This went on for a year and I was forced to resign due to medical issues. So now I am living with my mother have no job or money.
I was just referred for a consultation with the surgeon when the insurance ran out. I could not pay the premium. I made plans to move back to Texas to find work when I chose to look for my mate. I hope I have found him only time will tell.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Being Transgender and have ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and what ever else they want
I have been struggling with my ADHD for the last 5 years. It started with forgetting import thing such as bills and dates. Then the focus on family which caused my Ex to leave. Through the therapy for the ADHD my secret was revealed. I thought that transitioning would make all the issues disappear. If you are reading this and believing you might be transgender, do not make that assumption. Yes part of the depression was resolved, but it caused other issues in it's place.
I got a divorce, became homeless, lost custody of my son and lost a lot of friends. I was dealing with these issues as best I could. My mother took me back in and has been very supportive, but I still want to be on my own. Just as things were starting to look good, the ADHD cause more issues.
I was regularly late to work and could not complete task fast enough for management. After a year of demoralizing my employer forced me to resign. I still had hope that things were going to get better. I received unemployment. I started to look for work. I was worried that I could not work with the ADHD issues, but I was going to try. I found that to get the type of work that I have been in for the last 15 years I needed to get certified. So I started to study, but then the unemployment ran out. Around the same time my son acted as though he did not want to be with me.
This was the hardest yet. He is my light. If he did not want to be with me why continue to try? Because I love him. After talking to him the next visit he explained that he did not want me to attend his school function and baseball games. I is worried about being teased. My worst concern. I agreed to the school functions but told him we would work out the baseball.
This conversation made the other life choice easier. In the Spring I will be returning to Texas. There is more work there and a very supportive family.
I got a divorce, became homeless, lost custody of my son and lost a lot of friends. I was dealing with these issues as best I could. My mother took me back in and has been very supportive, but I still want to be on my own. Just as things were starting to look good, the ADHD cause more issues.
I was regularly late to work and could not complete task fast enough for management. After a year of demoralizing my employer forced me to resign. I still had hope that things were going to get better. I received unemployment. I started to look for work. I was worried that I could not work with the ADHD issues, but I was going to try. I found that to get the type of work that I have been in for the last 15 years I needed to get certified. So I started to study, but then the unemployment ran out. Around the same time my son acted as though he did not want to be with me.
This was the hardest yet. He is my light. If he did not want to be with me why continue to try? Because I love him. After talking to him the next visit he explained that he did not want me to attend his school function and baseball games. I is worried about being teased. My worst concern. I agreed to the school functions but told him we would work out the baseball.
This conversation made the other life choice easier. In the Spring I will be returning to Texas. There is more work there and a very supportive family.
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Minds of the Little Ones
I had my son the other day. He told me that I was in he head. That made me ask how? I said "You want me to be a girl" This upset me. Where did he get that. I asked him if I even told him that? he denied that I did. This would not be a big deal except that there is an issue that is part of the battle to retain my rights.
In the court appointed evaluation, he told the therapist that "I wanted to buy him a dress"
This was part of a failed attempt to explain how I felt. I was explain that when I was his age that I wished my parents would buy me a dress. Of course he did not hear all of that.
I have learned that I have to be careful of what I tell him. The way he processes things is different. I am worried that he is putting things into his head. I have told him that I love him as a little boy.
Kids minds are like sponges, but mind kid has a filter to go with it. I still love him more than anything else.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
In the Shadows
Today was one of the hardest days and I still don't know why. I had to leave work early because I felt as if I were going to have a breakdown.
Ever since I talked to my sister, I have had this feeling of something from my past was going knock me for a loop. I still feel it. And I am not sure what or why. All we talked about is that we both miss our grandfather. He was my father figure and the one I cold talk to about my issue. I still remember our talks at the kitchen table. Some our talks involved our thoughts about my father. I never told him how I feel. Opapa how do I wish you were here now. Rest in peace.
The other thing we discussed was about my transition. She thinks that I am doing this so I can be with a guy. I don't know how to take that. I am doing this because I am a women even though my body has the wrong parts. I am just being who I am. I am happy that she is accepting me but wish she could understand more.
It seems to me that thing that are in the shadows have a affect of derailing things.
I still don't know what is haunting me.
Still no decision on how I am going to do with my little one. But I am getting there.
Ever since I talked to my sister, I have had this feeling of something from my past was going knock me for a loop. I still feel it. And I am not sure what or why. All we talked about is that we both miss our grandfather. He was my father figure and the one I cold talk to about my issue. I still remember our talks at the kitchen table. Some our talks involved our thoughts about my father. I never told him how I feel. Opapa how do I wish you were here now. Rest in peace.
The other thing we discussed was about my transition. She thinks that I am doing this so I can be with a guy. I don't know how to take that. I am doing this because I am a women even though my body has the wrong parts. I am just being who I am. I am happy that she is accepting me but wish she could understand more.
It seems to me that thing that are in the shadows have a affect of derailing things.
I still don't know what is haunting me.
Still no decision on how I am going to do with my little one. But I am getting there.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Road Hazards
I woke up today in a good mood. It did not last long.
After I got ready for the day, I had a errand that I had to do. As I left the drive way I heard a wierd sound coming from the passenger rear of the car. So I turned around. When I went to look the tire was flat. The tire that I just replaced.
About a week ago when I went to the gym, I missed the driveway and the passenger rear tire was punctured in a way it could not be fixed. So I had to buy a new tire. This was the last thing I needed. My finances were really tight and now I had to spend $130 on a tire. When I was asked about buying the road hazard warranty I said no. I did want it to cost more then it had to. BIG mistake.
Now that tire is flat with a nail in an area, that in the time I used to fix tires, that cannot be patch. The inner liner where the tread transition to the sidewall. Now if I had spent that $8.50 there would be no issue.
Now I will have to buy a tire to replace that new one.
I am so tired of learning things that I should have done,
I should said something in High School. I should something when I was 21, I should not have gotten married.
Know I know I cannot change things that happen a minute ago or longer. I just pray that I start making the right choices
Know I wonder if I should really fight to get my night time rights back or not.. Maybe it would be best for him to not have to see me this way? When I with him I need to show a confidence that I can't at this time.
So the next time I am asked if I want the road hazard warranty the answer will be yes
After I got ready for the day, I had a errand that I had to do. As I left the drive way I heard a wierd sound coming from the passenger rear of the car. So I turned around. When I went to look the tire was flat. The tire that I just replaced.
About a week ago when I went to the gym, I missed the driveway and the passenger rear tire was punctured in a way it could not be fixed. So I had to buy a new tire. This was the last thing I needed. My finances were really tight and now I had to spend $130 on a tire. When I was asked about buying the road hazard warranty I said no. I did want it to cost more then it had to. BIG mistake.
Now that tire is flat with a nail in an area, that in the time I used to fix tires, that cannot be patch. The inner liner where the tread transition to the sidewall. Now if I had spent that $8.50 there would be no issue.
Now I will have to buy a tire to replace that new one.
I am so tired of learning things that I should have done,
I should said something in High School. I should something when I was 21, I should not have gotten married.
Know I know I cannot change things that happen a minute ago or longer. I just pray that I start making the right choices
Know I wonder if I should really fight to get my night time rights back or not.. Maybe it would be best for him to not have to see me this way? When I with him I need to show a confidence that I can't at this time.
So the next time I am asked if I want the road hazard warranty the answer will be yes
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Decisions
This morning I was going through my email and found that my ex (soon to be) reply to an email that I sent a few days ago. I asked her if she would be willing to negotiate with my over the custody of our son.
On Thursday we had a court hearing. The judge had decided (because I did not have an attorney) to send our case to trial. This is a costly (emotionally as well as financially) process to go through. So when I sent her the request it was to avoid the trial.
After several emails back and forth she agreed to meet to discuss the matter. This is great right?
It would if other things were not happening at the same time.
My roommate has sold the house we are staying in and has given me a 35 day notice to move out. I have had the worst year in my life so far. In January I missed my rent payment by 3 days past the grace period. This gave the landlord of the apartments I was living is to start the eviction process. I made the decision to fight it. I did not know how to, so I was evicted on April 10th. Little did I know what this was going to do to me in the future. I was homeless until May 1 when I moved into the place that I have to move out of.
Before that were other decisions that have shape were I am now.
When I left home after high school I was lost. My father was transitioning to a female. I had finnaly realized what I was feeling and yet I did or said nothing to anyone. What if I had said something?
I started cross-dressing at about 21. It was only at night and alone at first. I then starting going to the bar with some friends dressed as a woman. I still did not feel that it was enough and did not say or do anything, I suspended the cross-dressing when my "fathers" boyfriend tagged me.
I kept it hidden for another 19 years. I moved to California when I was 29. I thought that I could finally be the real me when I got here. The pressure to be the person that I despise so much was overwhelming. I looked for a woman to start a family. She was perfect. She had a 7 year old son and liked the things that I liked. What could be any better? An instant family.
At the wedding I did not want to be there. My friends and family said it was just nerves and that thing would be better. It was the worst decision that I have ever made. If I had just said or done something about my feelings I would not be in this mess.
There were times in the marriage that my feelings were so strong that I was going to leave. That changed with the birth of my son. I thought that I could keep my feeling under control so that I could try to be the parent that I knew I could be. I guess I was wrong again. I was spending most of my time and energy on suppressing my feelings that I ignored everyone, including my wife. She left me in June of 2011 and I moved out shortly after that to start my new life.
That was a year and 2 months ago.
Now I have to find a place to stay. If I get the custody that I want I have to find a house to rent. Other wise I can rent a room or studio apartment. I have a friend that my therapist has suggested that we share a house. The only issue is my friend is not ready to move and I have 35 day to move.
So do I temporally accept the visitation that she is requesting or fight for what I want and deserve?
Decisions, Decisions
On Thursday we had a court hearing. The judge had decided (because I did not have an attorney) to send our case to trial. This is a costly (emotionally as well as financially) process to go through. So when I sent her the request it was to avoid the trial.
After several emails back and forth she agreed to meet to discuss the matter. This is great right?
It would if other things were not happening at the same time.
My roommate has sold the house we are staying in and has given me a 35 day notice to move out. I have had the worst year in my life so far. In January I missed my rent payment by 3 days past the grace period. This gave the landlord of the apartments I was living is to start the eviction process. I made the decision to fight it. I did not know how to, so I was evicted on April 10th. Little did I know what this was going to do to me in the future. I was homeless until May 1 when I moved into the place that I have to move out of.
Before that were other decisions that have shape were I am now.
When I left home after high school I was lost. My father was transitioning to a female. I had finnaly realized what I was feeling and yet I did or said nothing to anyone. What if I had said something?
I started cross-dressing at about 21. It was only at night and alone at first. I then starting going to the bar with some friends dressed as a woman. I still did not feel that it was enough and did not say or do anything, I suspended the cross-dressing when my "fathers" boyfriend tagged me.
I kept it hidden for another 19 years. I moved to California when I was 29. I thought that I could finally be the real me when I got here. The pressure to be the person that I despise so much was overwhelming. I looked for a woman to start a family. She was perfect. She had a 7 year old son and liked the things that I liked. What could be any better? An instant family.
At the wedding I did not want to be there. My friends and family said it was just nerves and that thing would be better. It was the worst decision that I have ever made. If I had just said or done something about my feelings I would not be in this mess.
There were times in the marriage that my feelings were so strong that I was going to leave. That changed with the birth of my son. I thought that I could keep my feeling under control so that I could try to be the parent that I knew I could be. I guess I was wrong again. I was spending most of my time and energy on suppressing my feelings that I ignored everyone, including my wife. She left me in June of 2011 and I moved out shortly after that to start my new life.
That was a year and 2 months ago.
Now I have to find a place to stay. If I get the custody that I want I have to find a house to rent. Other wise I can rent a room or studio apartment. I have a friend that my therapist has suggested that we share a house. The only issue is my friend is not ready to move and I have 35 day to move.
So do I temporally accept the visitation that she is requesting or fight for what I want and deserve?
Decisions, Decisions
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Introduction
My name is Ashley Marie. I am a 42 year old transwoman. I am the father of a 8 year old that is from a 11 year marriage. I am currently going through custody battle.
My ex is attempting to take my parental rights and limit my visitation because I am transitioning.
I am long into my transition. I started my HRT in February 2012 and started living full-time in April 2012.
I will be using this blog to register the experiences that I have\will have as I go through my transition
My ex is attempting to take my parental rights and limit my visitation because I am transitioning.
I am long into my transition. I started my HRT in February 2012 and started living full-time in April 2012.
I will be using this blog to register the experiences that I have\will have as I go through my transition
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