The Minds of the Little Ones

I had my son the other day.  He told me that I was in he head.  That made me ask how?  I said "You want me to be a girl"   This upset me.  Where did he get that.  I asked him if I even told him that? he denied that I did.  This would not be a big deal except that there is an issue that is part of the battle to retain my rights.

In the court appointed evaluation,  he told the therapist that "I wanted to buy him a dress"

This was part of a failed attempt to explain how I felt.  I was explain that when I was his age that I wished my parents would buy me a dress.  Of course he did not hear all of that.  

I have learned that I have to be careful of what I tell him.   The way he processes things is different.  I am worried that he is putting things into his head.  I have told him that I love him as a little boy.

Kids minds are like sponges, but mind kid has a filter to go with it.  I still love him more than anything else.

In the Shadows

Today was one of the hardest days and I still don't know why.  I had to leave work early because I felt as if I were going to have a breakdown.

Ever since I talked to my sister, I have had this feeling of something from my past was going knock me for a loop.  I still feel it.  And I am not sure what or why.  All we talked about is that we both miss our grandfather.  He was my father figure and the one I cold talk to about my issue. I still remember our talks at the kitchen table.  Some our talks involved our thoughts about my father.  I never told him how I feel.  Opapa how do I wish you were here now.  Rest in peace.

The other thing we discussed was about my transition.  She thinks that I am doing this so I can be with a guy.  I don't know how to take that.  I am doing this because I am a women even though my body has the wrong parts.  I am just being who I am.  I am happy that she is accepting me but wish she could understand more.

It seems to me that thing that are in the shadows have a affect of derailing things.

I still don't know what is haunting me.

Still no decision on how I am going to do with my little one. But I am getting there.

Road Hazards

I woke up today in a good mood.  It did not last long.

After I got ready for the day, I had a errand that I had to do.  As I left the drive way I heard a wierd sound coming from the passenger rear of the car.  So I turned around.  When I went to look the tire was flat.  The tire that I just replaced.

About a week ago when I went to the gym,  I missed the driveway and the passenger rear tire was punctured in a way it could not be fixed.  So I had to buy a new tire.  This was the last thing I needed.  My finances were really tight and now I had to spend $130 on a tire.  When I was asked about buying the road hazard warranty I said no.  I did want it to cost more then it had to.  BIG mistake.

Now that tire is flat with a nail in an area,  that in the time I used to fix tires, that cannot be patch.  The inner liner where the tread transition to the sidewall.  Now if I had spent that $8.50 there would be no issue.

Now I will have to buy a tire to replace that new one.

I am so tired of learning things that I should have done,

I should said something in High School.  I should something when I was 21,  I should not have gotten married.

Know I know I cannot change things that happen a minute ago or longer.  I just pray that I start making the right choices

Know I wonder if I should really fight to get my night time rights back or not..  Maybe it would be best for him to not have to see me this way?  When I with him I need to show a confidence that I can't at this time.

So the next time I am asked if I want the road hazard warranty the answer will be yes

Decisions

This morning I was going through my email and found that my ex (soon to be) reply to an email that I sent a few days ago.  I asked her if she would be willing to negotiate with my over the custody of our son.

On Thursday we had a court hearing.  The judge had decided (because I did not have an attorney) to send our case to trial.  This is a costly (emotionally as well as financially) process to go through.  So when I sent her the request it was to avoid the trial.

After several emails back and forth she agreed to meet to discuss the matter.  This is great right?

It would if other things were not happening at the same time.

My roommate has sold the house we are staying in and has given me a 35 day notice to move out.  I have had the worst year in my life so far.  In January I missed my rent payment by 3 days past the grace period.  This gave the landlord of the apartments I was living is to start the eviction process.  I made the decision to fight it.  I did not know how to, so I was evicted on April 10th.  Little did I know what this was going to do to me in the future.  I was homeless until May 1 when I moved into the place that I have to move out of.

Before that were other decisions that have shape were I am now.

When I left home after high school I was lost.  My father was transitioning to a female.  I had finnaly realized what I was feeling and yet I did or said nothing to anyone.  What if I had said something?

I started cross-dressing at about 21.  It was only at night and alone at first.  I then starting going to the bar with some friends dressed as a woman.  I still did not feel that it was enough and did not say or do anything,  I suspended the cross-dressing when my "fathers" boyfriend tagged me.

I kept it hidden for another 19 years.  I moved to California when I was 29.  I thought that I could finally be the real me when I got here.  The pressure to be the person that I despise so much was overwhelming.  I looked for a woman to start a family.  She was perfect.  She had a 7 year old son and liked the things that I liked.  What could be any better?  An instant family.

At the wedding I did not want to be there.  My friends and family said it was just nerves and that thing would be better.  It was the worst decision that I have ever made.  If I had just said or done something about my feelings I would not be in this mess.

There were times in the marriage that my feelings were so strong that I was going to leave.  That changed with the birth of my son.  I thought that I could keep my feeling under control so that I could try to be the parent that I knew I could be.  I guess I was wrong again.  I was spending most of my time and energy on suppressing my feelings that I ignored everyone, including my wife.  She left me in June of 2011 and I moved out shortly after that to start my new life.

That was a year and 2 months ago.

Now I have to find a place to stay.  If I get the custody that I want I have to find a house to rent. Other wise I can rent a room or studio apartment.  I have a friend that my therapist has suggested that we share a house.  The only issue is my friend is not ready to move and I have 35 day to move.

So do I temporally accept the visitation that she is requesting or fight for what I want and deserve?

Decisions, Decisions

Introduction

My name is Ashley Marie.  I am a 42 year old transwoman.   I am the father of a 8 year old that is from a 11 year marriage.  I am currently going through  custody battle.

My  ex is attempting to take my parental rights and limit my visitation because I am transitioning.

I am long into my transition.  I started my HRT in February 2012 and started living full-time in April 2012.

I will be using this blog to register the experiences that I have\will have as I go through my transition