Decisions

This morning I was going through my email and found that my ex (soon to be) reply to an email that I sent a few days ago.  I asked her if she would be willing to negotiate with my over the custody of our son.

On Thursday we had a court hearing.  The judge had decided (because I did not have an attorney) to send our case to trial.  This is a costly (emotionally as well as financially) process to go through.  So when I sent her the request it was to avoid the trial.

After several emails back and forth she agreed to meet to discuss the matter.  This is great right?

It would if other things were not happening at the same time.

My roommate has sold the house we are staying in and has given me a 35 day notice to move out.  I have had the worst year in my life so far.  In January I missed my rent payment by 3 days past the grace period.  This gave the landlord of the apartments I was living is to start the eviction process.  I made the decision to fight it.  I did not know how to, so I was evicted on April 10th.  Little did I know what this was going to do to me in the future.  I was homeless until May 1 when I moved into the place that I have to move out of.

Before that were other decisions that have shape were I am now.

When I left home after high school I was lost.  My father was transitioning to a female.  I had finnaly realized what I was feeling and yet I did or said nothing to anyone.  What if I had said something?

I started cross-dressing at about 21.  It was only at night and alone at first.  I then starting going to the bar with some friends dressed as a woman.  I still did not feel that it was enough and did not say or do anything,  I suspended the cross-dressing when my "fathers" boyfriend tagged me.

I kept it hidden for another 19 years.  I moved to California when I was 29.  I thought that I could finally be the real me when I got here.  The pressure to be the person that I despise so much was overwhelming.  I looked for a woman to start a family.  She was perfect.  She had a 7 year old son and liked the things that I liked.  What could be any better?  An instant family.

At the wedding I did not want to be there.  My friends and family said it was just nerves and that thing would be better.  It was the worst decision that I have ever made.  If I had just said or done something about my feelings I would not be in this mess.

There were times in the marriage that my feelings were so strong that I was going to leave.  That changed with the birth of my son.  I thought that I could keep my feeling under control so that I could try to be the parent that I knew I could be.  I guess I was wrong again.  I was spending most of my time and energy on suppressing my feelings that I ignored everyone, including my wife.  She left me in June of 2011 and I moved out shortly after that to start my new life.

That was a year and 2 months ago.

Now I have to find a place to stay.  If I get the custody that I want I have to find a house to rent. Other wise I can rent a room or studio apartment.  I have a friend that my therapist has suggested that we share a house.  The only issue is my friend is not ready to move and I have 35 day to move.

So do I temporally accept the visitation that she is requesting or fight for what I want and deserve?

Decisions, Decisions