Life's Journey

Where to begin? 
How about when I knew I was different?

 I was in kindergarten.  I went to a Catholic school at the time.  They asked us to stand in line of either a boy or girls.  This is the first time I knew there was a difference.  I stood in the girls line.  All the other kids laughed but the nun did not think it was funny.  Neither did I.   After being disciplined, you know the Catholic way, I knew I had to keep my feeling secret.  And I did.  I was ultra-boy from that point on.  Baseball, boy scouts, cars and toy guns.  Up until this point I played with my sister.  She was upset I could play with her.

I kept myself real busy so I would not have to feel out of place.  When I was 10 my father began to be woman.  So I thought I was normal.  After an argument between my father and mother had started to get violent, my dad stopped being a woman.  I was even more confused.
When I was in the 6th grade my family moved to Texas.  I was ok until I got to middle school and puberty hit.  At a school assembly they divided the school to talk about our bodies.  My girlfriends were starting to develop and I was jealous.  The girls went to the auditorium and the boys to the gym.  I followed the boys this time,  I wish I hadn’t.  They talked about the part of my body I hate.  They showed how to check it and care for it.  I did not want to.  Some of the boys a hung out with started talking about how they liked certain girls.  I did not understand.  I learned I like boys, but in that time it was forbidden by my peers.

Then came high school.  I changed schools often because my parents could not stay in one place so I did not have to worry about other knowing my secret.  At one of the schools every boy student had to be part of the football team.  After practice we went to the locker rooms to clean up.  All the guys did not care about there parts but I did not want them to see mine.  So I just went home.  We moved back to the school I was going to before the move and made some friends.   Not the popular kids but the outcastes.  A few of them were gay and they described what they do when they are together.  I liked boys but did not want what they were talking about.  And then it happened.

My father at the start of my senior year told the family the he was a transsexual.  What was that I thought?  When he explained that he was going to be a woman.  What???  He explained what he was feeling and had to answer to those feelings.  I had 1 question.  Is it heredity?  This haunted me to the brisk on insanity.  I looked in all the publication I could find.  The feelings my father described were the same as I was feeling.  I found nothing.  I thought I could tell her but chose not to.  I had already be caught wearing my mother’s underwear, but that was all my parents know.  I had called off school sick to wear her things.  I believed that because my mother was taking the news hard it would not be wise. 

The night of graduation from high school I moved with my family to Ohio so my mother could get away from my father. It did not work.  A few months later my father, who now was full time woman, move to the same area.  I moved in with her.  I started to crossdress more and she allowed it.  I even went out in public.  I hated having to wear boy’s attire.  I stopped crossdressing when my father’s boyfriend called me out. No one could know about me.

After moving back to Texas a few years later my uncle offered me a job in California.  I knew that California was a more liberal state then Texas and thought I could be the real me someday.  Then I made my biggest mistake.  I married the first woman I met.  I had to appear normal.  I knew I did not want to marry anyone but my best friend, who I loved  but he did not know it, “encouraged” me to go to the church.  It was done.  I was stuck.  7 years later we had a child.  Before she told me, I was planning to leave her once my step son was out of high school.  When she told me my plan changed.  I was going to be the best dad my son could have.  Once he was born the feeling were too strong.  I was fighting the feeling so hard that 4 years later my wife left with my son.  She filed for a divorce.  In the time that I was alone I could not stop the feeling anymore. 

In October of 2011 I started my transition.  I went to therapy dressed as a woman.  He instantly diagnose me with Gender Dysphoria.  He tried to get me to just me gay.  That was not good.  I told my father first.  She was doubtful but told me I need a therapist that specialized in Gender issue.  I found one close to where I lived and set an appointment.  I told the new therapist what I was feeling and what my father concerns were.  The therapist confirmed that I was transgender and she referred me to a doctor to start hormones.  I told my exwife over the phone and she tried to change my mind.  It did not work. I told the rest of the family in February. My therapist and I started to plan the transition.  I went full in.  I went full time at work at the end of following April.

That is when the misery started.  Work appeared to be ok with it and followed to procedures given to them about my transition.  The owner of the apartment complex did not like it and evicted me.  I was homeless for 4 days.  I relative I was working with offered me a room until I found another place. I found a place through my new therapist but could not move in until May. After living there for 4 months my roommate sold the house.  My therapist arrange for me to stay with one of her clients.  She did not know he was losing the house in a foreclosure.  In January 2012 I moved in with my mother.  I had befriended another MtF trans and we became close.  I moved in with her.

In June of last year I switched to another insurance company that would cover my surgery.  I had already gotten my 1st letter for surgery from my therapist.  When I switched my therapist asked me to refill my old prescription and give to another girl who could not get them on her own.  I refused as I knew it was illegal.  My therapist told me to remember this when I need help.  She dropped me as a patient and convinced my roommate to kick me out.  It was back to Moms.

In the mean time I was having issue at work.  Management changed in July 2013 and they went after me using my disability of ADHD as grounds to release me.  This went on for a year and I was forced to resign due to medical issues.  So now I am living with my mother have no job or money.

I was just referred for a consultation with the surgeon when the insurance ran out.  I could not pay the premium.  I made plans to move back to Texas to find work when I chose to look for my mate.  I hope I have found him only time will tell.

Being Transgender and have ADHD, Depression, Anxiety and what ever else they want

I have been struggling with my ADHD for the last 5 years.  It started with forgetting import thing such as bills and dates.  Then the focus on family which caused my Ex to leave.  Through the therapy for the ADHD my secret was revealed.  I thought that transitioning would make all the issues disappear.  If you are reading this and believing you might be transgender, do not make that assumption.  Yes part of the depression was resolved, but it caused other issues in it's place.


I  got a divorce, became homeless, lost custody of my son and lost a lot of friends.  I was dealing with these issues as best I could.  My mother took me back in and has been very supportive, but I still want to be on my own.  Just as things were starting to look good,  the ADHD cause more issues.


I was regularly late to work and could not complete task fast enough for management.  After a year of demoralizing my employer forced me to resign.  I still had hope that things were going to get better.  I received unemployment.  I started to look for work.  I was worried that I could not work with the ADHD issues, but I was going to try.  I found that to get the type of work that I have been in for the last 15 years I needed to get certified.  So I started to study, but then the unemployment ran out.  Around the same time my son acted as though he did not want to be with me.


This was the hardest yet.  He is my light.  If he did not want to be with me why continue to try?  Because I love him.  After talking to him the next visit he explained that he did not want me to attend his school function and baseball games.  I is worried about being teased.  My worst concern.  I agreed to the school functions but told him we would work out the baseball.


This conversation made the other life choice easier.  In the Spring I will be returning to Texas.  There is more work there and a very supportive family.